Big Damn Asakura
by Darker Charon
Summary: Everybody's favorite Canadian alien is back, with brand new wacky situations and occasional anime and movie parodies.  Inspired by other, better crackfics, and now with more Ryouko Asakura than you can handle.  Rated T for obvious reasons.
1. Aliens Vs Pedobear

_**Big Damn Asakura**_

By Darker Charon

Disclaimer: The following is a crack fan fiction. It features characters that were created by Nagaru Tanigawa. There will be Out of Character moments for the Haruhi cast as this is a crack fic, and that means that situations and characterizations that are impossible in canon will be used in this piece of fiction. The various stories, and parodies will contain spoilers for every novel including the very latest one, Surprise of Haruhi Suzumiya. Names will be presented in western order(I ought to try to do this with the way the Japanese order them one of these days). To sum up, I own nothing, I claim nothing except for intentionally bad OCs inserted for laughs(maybe).

Chapter 1: Aliens Vs Pedobear

Canada was too damn cold for at least half of the terrestrial year. Ryouko Asakura, blue-haired sexy _yandere _and Living Humanoid Interface for the pan-dimensional Integrated Data Sentience Entity(which some for unknown reasons, called the Data Overmind), lamented this meteorological observation while making her almost daily run to Tim Hortons. At least, Canada had donuts that were worth stabbing for. They also had a sport that appealed to her, namely the one where they actually could hit people for no apparent reason whatsoever, and of course, there was always the risk of a skate accidentally cutting someone. Although the name hockey could use work. She always would call it to herself Death Puck. Naturally, her two closest compatriots who represented other schools of thought disagreed with her. She sometimes got really annoyed at being a dual citizen of Canada and Japan, a quirk that was originated from an action that Yuki Nagato, a lavender-haired LHI with a bob cut, took in order to cover up her sudden departure from Nishinomiya North High. The Tim Hortons that Ryouko was at was at least not crowded, and it was early in June so the best three months of Canadian weather was underway. The green tea that she was drinking had her in one of her better moods. Then again, her urge to kill Kyon had dramatically lessened since last December 21st. Every interface knew about Yuki's illegal operation that ultimately only lasted fifteen minutes thanks to Kyon, and every interface knew about the message that he sent to the IDSE. It was one of the most radical actions that a mere human has ever taken, and he did it to protect Yuki. As a Radical herself, Ryouko gained respect for the human that they had called "the unknown factor". Of course, she also felt personally grateful that the boy stood up for Yuki too since she was the closest thing she'd ever have to a sister. Yes, she had thought, Yuki and I are not that different. She too desired the same thing from Kyon, although she would never admit it.

So it was just another uneventful day until Ryouko felt the distinct aura of an incoming message. Since interfaces didn't need words to communicate with each other, she received the data sent to her from Emiri Kimidori, who was her superior and a LHI that was placed as a second-year student that was the Secretary to the Student Council and who looked like a quiet, calm, shy girl with celery green-hair that was medium-length. She saw the usual location for their meetings: Emiri's apartment. She then finished the rest of her tea, and headed back to her own apartment which thankfully was only a block away. From there, she'd just open up the usual wormhole and arrive at Emiri's place. She wasn't looking forward to seeing Emiri's various doujins scattered all over the place, like the _Kanokon_ ones and especially the _hentai_ ones. Honestly, between Emiri's _doujin _collection and Yuki's _eroge_ pile, it was hard to be the non-screwball interface in Nishinomiya.

Ryouko sighed as she appeared in the middle of a pile of some very questionable _doujins_ that had a 12-year old Sousuke Sagara and a gender bent Gauron. Or it could have been Gauron cross-dressing for all she knew. She really didn't understand much of how male and female humans differed in sex characteristics other than that the females had large mammary glands and males had an elongated tube-like organ where size roughly corresponded with shoe size and had an inverse relation to the size of the automobile driven by the human. Or so she heard from Yuki's study on the subject, and she could imagine Taniguchi driving off the lot in a used Humvee.

She quickly walked to the other room where Yuki and Emiri were already sitting, and presumably waiting for her. Emiri looked like she had been crying for a while, but that wasn't what concerned Ryouko. No, Emiri's face looked like it could scare Kuyoh Suoh with the intensity of hatred in her eyes. "Is Kyon responsible?"

Emiri's voice sounded unusually shrill. "You think I give a crap about Kyon or anything that guy does? I could have dealt with him myself, you idiot."

Yuki chimed in with "What she is trying to say is that Kyon isn't the reason of our meeting, so you can't scare him, pretend you're his girlfriend to Haruhi, poison him or generally do anything knife-related within 500 feet of him."

Ryouko said "_Kuso_. I had these exploding cigars that I was going to give him for his birthday, but I will just have to give them to Weegee instead."

Yuki shuddered. Then Emiri said "Ryouko, I ask of you to help me avenge my Kuni-pie."

Ryouko and Yuki simultaneously said "_Yare yare."_

An angry knock at the door then occurred and Emiri opened it. Kyon and Sasaki who were just happening to pass by said "That's our line." Then they merrily went on their way.

Emiri then went back to where she was talking with the other two interfaces. "My Kuni-pie will never ever ever be the same again, and he won't let me his sweet and adoring Emiri comfort him so…" Emiri's eyes blazed like fire and she said in a high-pitched, shrill and angry voice "we're going to murder that stupid bear who tried to touch my precious Kunikida."

Ryouko looked at Yuki who frankly didn't give a rat's ass about Kunikida. She probably tore Yuki away from Siscapololypse to deal with some bothersome little bear for some underdeveloped guy that liked someone else. She sympathized with Yuki as she also found Kunikida more boring than Taniguchi and that's saying something. "Didn't he tell you that he liked Tsuruya and repeated himself six times?"

Yuki nodded "It happened."

Emiri then said "One of these days, he'll see that she will never love him and that I will give all the marshmallows he needs."

Yuki spit out her glass of water, and Ryouko had no idea what she meant. "You lost me." Ryouko said.

Yuki muttered something about 4chan. Ryouko wondered if that was a nickname for Kyon. Then Emiri glared at both of them.

"So I propose that the three of us hunt down Pedobear, and that we make sure that he understands that Kunikida is mine!"

Ryouko then said "And people think I'm the _yandere_." And she shakes her head.

Yuki then said "You are fixated on one guy, Ryouko. And when Kuyoh tried to have…."

Ryouko blushed and said "I just wanted to make sure she knew that he was mine to kill. And mine to play with if I am so inclined to be merciful to an ordinary human like him. I didn't interrupt them because I was jealous."

Emiri then said "Will you two stop talking about Kyon? Get a room with him at a love motel already. We are here to deal with Pedobear and then console poor Kunikida."

Ryouko facepalmed and then Yuki did. She noted that she picked up the habit from Kyon. "Fine, where is this irrelevant little ursine nuisance?"

Emiri then said "The IDSE has located him just outside a playground in Kobe"

Ryouko checked to make sure that each of her half dozen of knives were announced for, and then made sure she still had a katana within reach of her trench coat. She didn't know what Yuki or Emiri had for weapons, but then again, they were interfaces and were just as deadly with their _kung fu_. "Let's get me a new carpet."

The trio called a taxi, and five minutes later, Arakawa almost ran over Emiri as the three interfaces told the erstwhile Agency support guy to take them to a specific playground in Kobe. The old guy told them "Just between us, show no mercy to that bear. And remember, I was just passing through."

10 harrowing minutes and an _Initial D _cutscene later, they had arrived at their destination, and Yuki took care of their fare and their tip. Then the interfaces spotted their quarry, and moved faster than a Kim Kardashian marriage to…

Yuki said "Who's Kim Kardashian?"

Ryouko then said. "Just some fame-hungry person that is a celebrity for no good reason. The new Paris Hilton if you will."

Then the Narrator reminded Yuki to fix the broken fourth wall, and the interfaces make haste to challenge Pedobear.

The ursine memetic character then said "You three are too old for me."

Ryouko then said "Technically, we are four years old."

The bear said "Such a tragedy. "

Emiri then said "Listen up, Pedobear. I am your opponent, and I shall punish you…in the Name of Kunikida and the Moon."

Yuki then said "We are so getting sued."

Ryouko then said "What my in-no-way ripping off Sailor Moon associate was trying to say was. Get yer Knives On!"

Yuki sighed and deadpanned "You should know that victory comes to those with Courage. Rawr."

The bear sweatdropped. "If you strike me…."

That sentence was never finished as Ryouko let her six knives fly and the bear fell down. She then said "It's been revoked."

Wait, that didn't even make sense. Tell 'em Yuki.

"Yes, the Narrator is right. We will have to do this whole scene all over again. I mean, the bear was way off his mark to begin with, and then he said the wrong damn line, and….I'm just going back to play that fighting game that I was really getting into when Emiri called me and told me that there was a dire emergency that we had to deal with or life as we know it would end. Yeah…I'm going to be as out as Dumbledore."

The bear got back up. "Wait….let's just go back to after Yuki says the super robot line, and then."

The Narrator says "Let's try this again"

The bear says "You can't touch me…Diplomatic Immunity!"

Yuki pulls out a revolver and then fires it at the bear. "It's been revoked." Then she blows the smoke away from her gun. Then she puts it away and she pulls out a book. She then tosses it as the now-dead bear. "Vampires do not under any circumstances sparkle." Ryouko is amazed that Yuki had the constitution to make it through that horrible joke of a book named Twilight.

Emiri smiled. "Our work here is done." They start walking together towards the sunset. "Now, party at Kunikida's house?"

Ryouko, Yuki, Kyon, Sasaki, the cast of Lucky Star, the entire cast of K-ON and Shana herself all face palmed and said "_Yare Yare."_

The End.

A/N: This was my attempt at writing crack for a whole chapter and not for a small Omake after a story. Please review and let me know how I did on this one. You may also PM me ideas for what everybody's favorite Canadian alien should do.


	2. The AntiSOS Brigade Christmas Special

Disclaimer: Nagaru Tanigawa created the Haruhi Suzumiya characters, and I using them for this crack fan fiction. I only claim intentionally bad OCs and occasional fourth wall breaking.

Chapter 2: Santakura and the Not-Island of Misfit Toys(Or The Anti-SOS Brigade Christmas Special.)

It was another cold December in Nishinomiya, and Christmas was just around the corner. Kyon was making his thousandth reference to the Siberian air-masses that signaled that Japanese winter had begun. Haruhi was in the middle of plans for a bigger Christmas party than she had the year before. She was also by Kyon's side a lot more during this holiday season. Mikuru was embarrassed yet again by yet another costume. She knew that she also only had to endure another three months of being the SOS Brigade mascot before she graduated. Koizumi was as fabulous as ever, and secretly fantasizing about Kyon in a cat-boy suit. Haruhi had planted that idea in his mind a while back. He was relieved that he had a lot more free time than he had the year before, and that had a lot to do with Kyon and Haruhi finally living up to the school's image of them as a couple. Yuki was playing through a siscon _eroge_ and she wondered when she'd find one of Mikuru's flags. She knew she had obtained flags from Ryouko, Kyon, Haruhi and a few others that weren't worth mentioning. She was hoping the Mikuru route would lead to fights against Dracula, and involve dinosaur mecha. Indeed, it was going to be another eventful Christmas for the SOS Brigade, but this story doesn't really involve them.

The frigid weather only underscored the misery of a few individuals on the other end of Nishinomiya as it was a frustrating year to the real focus of this story. The abandoned warehouse…yes, I am going with a typical villains hangout here. Anyway, the abandoned warehouse had two miserable grinches who were not in the Christmas spirit. One was a blond time traveler who actually had two admirable goals. He wanted to give people their free will back by making sure that they were not enslaved by the future. He also wanted to spend more time with his _Onee-san_. The man known as "Fujiwara" still painfully remembered when he was pwned by a rather nasty-tempered esper and an idiot who jumped out of a third story window who lived to taunt him with that. The other was a long-haired, creepy alien who loved the Elegant Lolita style, and generally was a fan of all things Gothic. The alien attended the all-girls Kouyouen Academy where she was surrounded what she learned from a "significant Earth document" by "preps" who tended to annoy her. She had briefly taken part in human courtship rituals with a male named Taniguchi which resulted in exchanges of communication at "fast food joints" and she had acquired a chronological device which she would not return to the human when she broke off their courtship having realized that Taniguchi was not the human male that she had wished to study. The Sky Canopy Dominion interface known as Kuyou Suou then turned her attention back to her favorite "Earth document", known as _My Immortal_ written by someone known as Tara. Then, the man with the alias known as Fujiwara had said

"To think, the primitives of this era actually celebrated such a confusing holiday. Was it an anniversary celebration of some irrelevant baby that happened two millenia before this current timeplane or did they want to appeal to a benevolent elf-like being that wore a big red suit and visited an uncountable amount of domiciles within a twenty-hour period or close approximation to it? The addition of cakes in this country to that equation baffles me even further. I suppose this was an excuse to boost the local economy of the primitives whilst trying to give a vague 'giving makes you happy' message." The time traveler scowled. "I suppose all the same it is probably the same for Mikuru-nee-san too. What a bothersome holiday."

The gothic alien simply said "You Mad?"

Fujiwara was about when the presence of another being stopped him from saying his thought out loud. The red suit was what grabbed his attention first, although seeing a blue-haired girl wearing it was even stranger. The obviously fake white beard just made the absurdity of this visit all the more apparent. The time traveler growled out "And what is the meaning of this?"

The bearded red suited figure with _zettai ryouiki_ and red-ribboned twintails of blue hair simply said "Fufufu. I am Santakura. Merry Christmas."

Kuyou shivered. It took a lot to faze her. "You killed Santa? You bastards."

The blue haired alien in the red suit shook her head. "No, I am merely filling in. Santa-_dono _is quite busy, as you know, and he ran me over with his sleigh, and…it's not like I'm doing this for Kyon, alright."

Kuyou said "He has beautiful eyes."

Santakura blushed. "It's not like I want to stare deeply into…them. But anyway, I have a schedule to keep and gifts and good tidings to bring. And in the spirit of Christmas, I have some presents ready for you."

Fujiwara queried "Presents? I did try to kill two people this year, I thought I would be on the naughty list."

"Three if you count Kyon jumping out a window. But your intentions were noble when you tried to kill "the Father of Time Travel" and you had your reasons for trying to kill Haruhi, and your attempt on her life did provide the IDSE with some interesting data. Although, we recommend you not try anything like that again. And incidentally, Haruhi did invent the formula that time travel is based on so your actions were not totally inconsistent."

"I see. You needn't worry about Haruhi's safety. I have other ideas how to make sure my _Onee-san_ and I go back to where we belong. I have been corresponding with another fellow siscon named Kirino, and…"

"Oh geez, not you too." Santakura sighed. "I swear you and Yuki probably both love that stupid game too. At least, we don't have an otaku problem in Canada. I have found only a small percentage of anime fans in my travels in my new home country, and most of them have jobs and they love poutine as much as they rest of us."

Fujiwara hand waved this. "The Otaku are the ones who support the anime industry here. They are willing to pay hundreds of thousands of yen to own one series on Blu-Ray. Take the Fate/Zero BD set for example and this is actually on the cheaper end of the scale. It would cost 100,000 yen to own both. That's somewhere around a thousand dollars or more Canadian. It would have cost a lot more in Canadian money but your currency has roughly caught up to the American dollar. They may be primitives, but I admire their dedication to an ideal. A 2D ideal at that. And when you have a Japanese export like anime, I'd say you have to give the otaku more credit. But enough about the boring stuff that nobody cares about, can I have my cheeseburger already?"

Santakura said "No cheeseburgerz for you. Ceiling Cat hath decreed it so."

Fujiwara could not argue the decries of the almighty Ceiling Cat. "Fine then, what do you have for us then?"

Santakura smiled. "For you Fujiwara or Asahina or whatever your real name is, I have a year's paid subscription to _Siscon Monthly_ and I also have a limited edition of that damn game that you and Yuki and I guess some model named Kirino Kousaka also likes it too. I also acquired a special copy of the DVD of the _Adventures of Mikuru Asahina Episode 00 _and a copy of the sequel _Nagato's Revenge._ Merry Christmas."

Kuyou said "What….me….got.."

Santakura sighed. "We ought to try to give you Sky Canopy Dominion interfaces a memetic link like we have. We have the TvTropes website to help us communicate amongst ourselves, as the Integrated Data Sentience Entity communicates in memes. Humans also need language to spread memes and to spread understanding so that is why we exist. Nevertheless, I believe you shall find the following gifts to your satisfaction. I have _My Immortal doujins_ and I have a Ebony cosplay kit for you complete with purple hair dye. I also have some material relating to the anime _Maschera Lamentation of a Fallen Beast_…"

Kuyou said "Maschera is my favorite anime."

Santakura then said "And I have a cup of _udon_ too."

Kuyou said rather loudly "I hate noodles." She passes them to Fujiwara who slurps them quickly. Both actually managed to smile.

Santakura then said "I have to go now. Fufufu, Merry Christmas."

Fujiwara and Kuyou felt their hearts grow just a little and said "Merry Christmas, Santa." Then Santakura left as quickly as she appeared and the alien and the time traveler were left to figure out what to do next.

Fujiwara finally said "You wanna go caroling, Kuyou?"

Kuyou said "Just as long as no noodles…."

The duo did manage to belt out a few carols before some idiot offered Kuyou noodles. I don't need to tell you what happened next.

Santakura had a few more deliveries to make however, so we must follow her to finish this tale. Faster than it takes Rick Perry to release a homophobic ad, Santakura went down the chimney of a nondescript house in Nishinomiya. The two girls who found themselves face to face with her were quite surprised to see her.

The girl with the short, brown hair had reacted to it by saying "That is really improbable. The laws of physics had to have been raped for you to enter through such a little hole. I suppose that I should not be too surprised, being told that I am a Goddess of all things."

The other girl who was blond and had twin tails said "Who dares to interrupt my time with the divine Sasaki."

Sasaki face palmed and said "_Yare yare._ I told you to stop calling me that, Kyouko-san.: She then turned to address the red suited interloper. "I appreciate the visit, Asakura-san. But you could have just knocked on my front door, or snuck in through a window. I mean, it's not likely you'd ever run into Kyon here."

Santakura said "Fufufu. I, Santakura, have no intentions of spiking Kyon's eggnog after my work here is done so don't worry. I have come now to give you your presents, Sasaki and Kyouko Tachibana."

Sasaki sweat dropped. "He's dating Haruhi. So unless you want him to just pass out in Haruhi's bed…."

Kyouko interrupted. "Please…I don't want to talk about either of those unpleasant folks. They cannot compare to the wit nor the loveliness of my Sasaki."

Sasaki sweat dropped again "Kyouko-san, why don't you just ask me out already? It's obvious to everyone even Kyon that you like me."

Santakura said "True that."

Kyouko's whole face turned red. "Ask you out? On…a…date?" A cloud burst above Kyouko's head and she fainted.

"Not again." Sasaki sighed.

Santakura said "I even got her a custom hugging pillow of you for her too."

"Really? How did you manage that?" Sasaki said curiously.

"The Integrated Data Sentience Entity has connections." Santakura said evasively.

Sasaki brought out the smelling salts. Kyouko woke up. "Oh what happened?"

"You were about to confess to Sasaki." Santakura said in a cheery tone not unlike an idol singer.

Kyouko then had a suddenly and rapid blood loss coming from her nose. "Wha?" She then regains her composure. "Sasaki…I would like it if you would be mine for Christmas. I have always felt that your divine grace has helped me, and I have loved you…from mostly afar for a long time. I know that I am no Suzumiya or even Kyon."

"I have never felt that way about Kyon." Sasaki said.

"But anyway…I love you, Sasaki Sasaki."

Santakura laughed. Sasaki said "Not you too, Santa. My parents were very unimaginative."

"Anyway…I have a hugging pillow of Sasaki for Kyouko….and I have a Les Yay Note for Sasaki. Please use it wisely."

"A Les Yay Note?" Sasaki said while scratching her head.

"Yes…all you need to do is write the name of two girls while picturing them in your mind, and for an hour, they will do things that will make people wonder if they are really lesbians. I am afraid that the yaoi fan girls already stole my Ho Yay Note and are likely using it on poor Naruto and that emo bitch guy as we speak." Santakura said

"Or Kyon and Koizumi" Kyouko said darkly.

Santakura resisted the impulse to slap the esper silly then and there. "Those fools….Kyon is clearly my prey and as such…I get to drill him before Koizumi."

"Literally or figuratively?" Sasaki said with a knowing grin.

"I'll leave that to the reader's imagination. Oh crap, I broke the fourth wall." Santakura said and then she repaired the broken fourth wall like a good little interface. She then waved to the pair of girls and said "I must be going. Merry Christmas….and may Lemons be in your future."

The girls said "Merry Christmas to you too."

And Santakura was off and going to her final stop of a tiring night, she arrived in a large house not far from Kyoto. As she exited the chimney. She walked past a Korg keyboard on the way to talk to the final recipient of her gifts. A blond girl with clear blue eyes and eyebrows that were larger than Santakura's greeted her.

"Good evening, Ryouko. I take it your role as Santa went well."

The interface regarded the blond girl, known to humans as Tsumugi Kotobuki, and reported to her "_Kaa-san, _I am pleased to say that Operation Yuri Note is a success."

Tsumugi folded her hands and said "Just according to keikaku." Yeah, and keikaku means plan, obviously.

"Oh I see what you did there." Ryouko said.

Tsumugi then said "Now if only we could have them use it on the Hirasawa sisters. But I suppose we cannot hope yet for two miracles this Christmas." She smiled "One of these days, I shall have to meet face to face with this John Smith character….or as you and many others call him Kyon. Strange how our Yuki only calls him by his true name. That and her ridiculous need for exactitude are two very endearing quirks though, don't you think? I suppose that I really outdid myself with her. Of course, I suppose that's why John Smith sought fit to do his heroic blackmail of me. Yes, that amused me for weeks on end." She then said "Some tea and cakes, Ryouko?"

The End.

A/N: I definitely have plans to include future chapters with Yuki and Kuyou interacting with Kirino and Kuroneko, as well as the IDSE's avatar being a certain keyboardist_._


End file.
